Why some people make better grandparents is a question you might have asked yourself from time to time. The question might pop up when you take the grandkids out to the park and watch the loving interactions between other sets of grandparents and grandchildren. It’s like any other skill set: you check your pulse by watching how others do it and feel kind of lousy when you decide you don’t measure up.

Let’s get this out of the way right at the start: We are all individuals.

It’s therefore important to remember that our grandparent to grandchild relationships might not resemble those of the other people we know but may be every bit as deep and meaningful. Our grandparenting relationships just outwardly manifest in different ways. And that’s okay.

It is true, however, that some grandparents and their grandchildren, like the old song says, go together like a horse and carriage: they complement each other. Meanwhile, it’s also possible that a grandparent and grandchild may tend to clash, resembling nothing so much as oil and water. They just don’t mix or mesh well.

Now that’s to not to say you don’t love each other. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. It’s just that you need to expend more effort to make the relationship work.

It all boils down to temperament. You probably knew this intuitively. Two people who are calm and low-key, will find it easy to get along. Two people who are happy, outgoing, boisterous and loud, on the other hand, won’t embarrass each other. They’ll feel comfortable in each others’ company. There’s no strain. It’s just so much easier.

Alas, we don’t get to pick and choose who we are at the core.

Are you thinking: “Heck. It’s not just that way with grandparents. It’s that way with married couples, parents and their children, friends, siblings, and etc.”

Except it’s not. It’s not like that because of the traditional role in which grandparents are cast in our society. Grandparents are benign and kindly. They bake cookies. They let the kids do whatever they most want to do. They buy them gifts.

That’s the grandparent we all love and know from the storybooks. So when things don’t go like that—not at all—well, we feel we’re not up to snuff. And it’s even worse if you live far away from the grandkids and your time together is limited. You want to make the most of that time and somehow things always veer south.

Let’s examine temperament. What is temperament exactly? Temperament is how we deal with ourselves and others and the way we feel and act in relation to various situations.

Temperament Classified

Psychologists Alexander Thomas and Stella Chess along with professor of pediatrics Herbert G. Birch created a classification for infant temperament in 1968, identifying nine types of temperament that could be relied upon to cover the temperament spectrum along a scale of high, medium, and low. In addition to temperament classification, the researchers hoped to show how such temperamental qualities influenced an individual’s adjustment to circumstances throughout his life and not only in infancy. The list of the nine qualities of temperament are presented below, with examples of questions you might ask about your grandchild and about yourself to get a better grasp of your own temperaments:

1. Level of Activity: Are you always on the go, jiggling your feet, and tapping your fingers, or would you rather chillax motionless on the sofa? Are you at your finest in the early morning or are you a “night person?”
2. Level of Self-Regulation: Are you a creature of habit or do you mix it up? Do you eat dinner at the same time every day? Go to bed at the same time? Or do you go with the flow? Is it important to you to be neat and punctual, or does it bother you not a bit to be a few minutes late for an appointment or to wake up to a messy household?
3. Response to New Elements: When you encounter a new person, situation, or object, are you hesitant and reluctant, or enthusiastic? Do you approach or withdraw?
4. Adaptive Behavior: Do you hate change or do you roll with the punches?
5. Threshold of Responsiveness: How long does it take you to react to new situations? Do you catch on quickly or does it take you awhile to sense that something has changed and you need to react? For example, loud music doesn’t bother you at first, while the person next to you immediately leaves the room or puts her hands over her ears.
6. Intensity of Reaction: Are you passionately effusive and emotional or mild, laconic, and laidback?
7. Range of Emotion: Are you a cheery optimist or a pessimist that finds it hard to break down the barriers and warm up to people? Are you placid and happy or do you tend to get weepy quite easily? Are you friendly or kind of cold? Kind and pleasant or cranky and brusque?
8. Level of Distractibility: Are you easily distracted from your work or can you remain focused at length? Are you well-organized or do you prefer spontaneity?
9. Attention Span: Can you listen to long lectures without your mind wandering? Are you able to see tasks through to completion?

Thomas, Chess, and Birch, were able to break down these traits into further categories to classify individuals as easy, difficult, or slow to warm up. Are you a difficult person to get to know or are you the kind of person that everyone likes to know? Does it just take time for you to get to know people or are you comfortable with others right away?

Here is where it’s important to remember that temperament is not necessarily good or bad. A person can be very shy and find it hard to attend parties and events, but be a very loving person who is kind and generous. But of course, it’s easier to be with easygoing people, and a bit harder to draw out someone who is slow to warm up to people.

Now let’s take a look at your relationship with your grandchild. How would you classify your own temperament? Your grandchild’s? Are you two peas in a pod or vastly different? Are you at perfect ease in each other’s company, or do you find it an effort to make chitchat?

Peas In A Pod

If your temperaments are similar, you’re apt to have an easier time of things. Both up at the crack of dawn? Take early morning nature walks together. Love to laze around on a Sunday morning and have breakfast in bed? Get all cozy together and read out loud. Stay in jammies half the day.

Polar Opposites

But let’s say you’re an emotional person and your grandchild is more subdued. Your grandchild may find your natural behavior worrisome and may even be a little afraid of you. You’ll have to find a halfway point at which to meet and it will take more work than the “two peas in a pod” grandparent to child relationship.

On the other hand, you’ll end up benefiting each other in a positive way, if you can find the right balance. Your subdued grandchildren may learn that it’s okay to run through a sprinkler and get wet— that it’s even FUN. Meanwhile, you may learn to pay attention to others before you burst out with a loud, effusive response. You may have to (yikes) moderate your behavior. Just a bit.

Are you a neatnik and your grandchild an utter slob? Learn to compromise. But don’t hesitate to insist on at least a few ground rules when your grandchild visits your home. You’ll learn not to care so much about external appearances and your grandchild will learn to be more orderly.

This kind of give and take, as mentioned earlier, can be mutually beneficial, but it’s an ongoing process. It may not be the easiest kind of relationship—the “perfect fit” relationship you’ve always craved and envied—but both of you will gain what you would not have had together if things been as easy as pie.

Note that there is a starting point from which everything flows, and that is found in acknowledging differences. What you will eventually come to learn from each other is tolerance and how to play your temperaments off of each other to play your relationship to best advantage. But first comes acknowledgment. Without it, you can’t pass go—not you or your grandchild. It’s the only way to make your grandparent to grandchild relationship the best it can be.

 

 

Found what you just read useful? Why not consider sending a donation to our Kars4Kids youth and educational programs. Or help us just by sharing!